Be YOU

Thought 4 today

Just do It

We say we want to change something about our lives but in reality, we don’t truly believe in ourself enough to actually go it. We can’t truly picture ourself where we truly want to be. We may have tried before and failed and that affects our mindset.

I know this first hand. I’ve struggled with this (health woes and sobriety) my entire adult life and it seems the struggle is more alive today than ever some days.

No matter how happy or confident a person may seem to appear, those seeds of self doubt can continue to grow as we grow older.

It can actually becomes part of our belief system. I can’t do this or it’s just gonna be another failure.  With this mindset, you are absolutely right. Rocky stepped into the ring with that rematch with Creed thinking he would win because he was able to convince himself he was already the winner and and visualized it.

Start today..right now.

Picture your self, already being the winner that you know you are deep down and underneath all of that drama of self doubt, know that YOU can do it.

Whatever it is that you want (health, new job, getting sober or a new knee), just do it!!!! 

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“When writing the story of your life, don’t let anyone else hold the pen.” -Harley Davidson 

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Monday Vibes

If you think that you did not do good this weekend (over ate, did not exercise etc), please get over it right now. YOU being miserable about something you cannot change will NOT change it. It is done. It is over with. Focus on today.

You are stronger than you know and realize.

You just got to be strong enough to get on with it.

NOW, to answer a few questions I have received:

It does not matter if you Keto or not. It is basically just eating low carb and high protein. YOU do what works for you. Vegan or Weight Watchers or whatever. YOU are the one who has to do it so choose something that YOU like and will do because it suits you and your life.

No, I am not really 100, I am 56. hahah

No, I do not drink nor do any type drugs.

Yes, I work F/T during the day in an office setting.

No,I don’t eat fruit. I miss it I will admit.

Do I eat fast food? Yes (just no bread, ketchup or fries/croutons)

PLEASE do what you want to do to make yourself well (mentally and physically)

I am so proud of you. ♥

Today

NSV

Do not just go by what the scale says. If you get on 10 different scales, they will most likely give you a different number. Go by what your clothes say. Are they tight? Are they looser? That is your real scale number.

NSV is commonly known as a non scale victory. You have them everyday and MOST likely just overlook them. They are so important. They will help you each and every day.

I was so addicted to the scale. The power it had over me was crazy. If I drank a soda or pooped, I would immediately go weigh myself. If I gained, my day was shot and then I said WTF, I gained, I may as well eat. If I lost, I was so happy and then ate to reward myself. I did this all day long. What a mind fuck that was. My hub threw out the scale and we are not allowed one in the house haha. SO I have to go by what my clothes tell me.

I can also go by my physical. I am someone who not that long ago, had serious trouble walking. I used a can for a good year because of my size, weight and knees. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to get into that condition. Yes, I ALLOWED myself to get in that condition. It physically hurt to walk.

Here is my NSV.

So today, I am referencing where I parked in the parking lot at work. I use to park right outside the front door. It took a lot to get a person of my size to the front door. I am talking out of breath. Stopping and absolutely hating myself and my life. I was so ashamed. I knew exactly what I looked like and I hated it. And until I did something about it…….

FLASH FORWARD. I can now park farther out and walk into the building with NO LIMP, NO pain and NO CANE. I am so proud of that. I do not look down on anyone in that condition or any condition. BUT in reference to me, me walking into the building today, I know I made the right decision.

The nursing/rehab center where I work is one story and have 4 hall. I recall clearly that I could not walk without feeling like I was going to die. Just today, I walked all 4 halls more than once and loved the feeling of merely walking. If you have trouble walking, you know what I am talking about.

I took my health for granted and I so regret it. I am trying very hard to make it right.

Everyday, we are given a new chance to live. To make a change. To make things (right). To re-find ourselves, to re-find god again or merely decide to say enough is enough. I truly believe that when YOU had enough, and are done with the BS excuses, you will do whatever you need to do.

Everyday, you have a NSV.

Don’t believe me?

OK, here are some examples.

You woke up. You are alive. That is a victory.

You have clothes, food, water and a home. That is a victory.

You reading this is my NSV.

So thank you♥

Acceptance to Saggy Skin

When you lose weight, it is a GREAT thing. The clothes sizes get smaller and you are able to buy new clothes and you look fan-fucking-tastic. You walk with your head up higher and you feel better about yourself and you start to smile more and feel more positive. People notice the change and that makes you even more positive about this change you are doing.

(please note that I am referring to myself ONLY in this post as I do in all my blog posts)

BUT…….the dreaded skin sag……When I was younger, my skin elastic was in better shape and when I lost weight (remember I am a retired yo yo dieter) that the sag was not so bad. It retracted?? Now that I am almost 100 years old, the skin just hangs on me. Yes it does. I hate it. ABSOLUTELY hate it. It upsets me. It frustrates me. It embarrasses me. Sometimes it makes me want to stop trying to get healthy.

Years ago, I actually went to my insurance to try to get a skin reduction surgery. I went to doctors and got notes and all the items they needed. I went to the Duke Hospital and had them look at me (how embarrassing) and have them hold my stomach sag and my upper thigh sag to give a recommendation. My insurance denied it. And as you know, yup, I gained it all back. Every pound I lost, I regained and then some. True story. I am ashamed of that but it is a part of my past. It made me who I am now and writing this to you. But it was not the insurance denial that made me regain the weight back, it was ME. I chose to eat and begin drinking again (beer to wine to zombie sugary drink and a lot of it).

When I look back, I regret this immensely. It was a start of yet another down turn to me. I felt so bad and so ashamed that I just said fuck it. Who cares. But in fact, I did care. But I did not care about what I should have cared about. What I should have done was to keep going and then try again. But I just gave up. I tossed aside all that hard work for what? McDonald’s? BBQ chips? Coors Light? Sure it tasted good but it was wrong. I can look back at it now and understand what a mess I truly was. At the time, I knew what I was doing when I was overeating and drinking again but chose to do it anyhow.

BUT it is what it is. It is what it was. It is now.

I can either let the saggy skin define and own me and hinder me or I can accept it.

It was about a month ago, that I woke up and said today is accept day for me. I clearly came to work and mentioned to a lady that I have worked with (who knows of my weight loss and knee stuff) and I told her that today (whatever day it was) was accept day.

I have lost a good deal of weight since 2020 and let me tell the saggy skin I have now is nothing compared to what it was when I had the skin survey with the doctor. It is a lot more. I don’t like it. It frustrates the hell out of me and it makes me mad. It also makes me embarrassed and ashamed. IT also reminds me of what I was and reminds me of who I am now and jut how far I have truly come. By me doing it (lose weight), it allowed me to get a new knee so I can walk better). I try to think about that when I get really down on myself.

I actually went out of my way to not wear short sleeve shirts and shorts or somewhat tight tops because of this. I did not want people to laugh at me. I did not want people to judge me. I was ashamed. In my head, I felt people were saying look at that fat lady and why is she wearing that!!! I did not what my spouse to be ashamed to be seen with me in public or his friends laugh at him because he was married to me….(see the me me me trend here).

I can either let it control me or I can control it. I mean it is not going anywhere. It is there. It is a face, a reality. So I just need to face it and accept it and then move on with it.

Acceptance in everything is important. Acceptance kinda offers a relief if you will. No more faking or pretending. Accept that some things you can change and some things you cannot. I cannot get rid of the saggy upper arm (bat wings?? is that what they call them?) and I cannot get rid of my upper thighs or stomach either. VERY frustrating BUT I look better now than when I was heavier (or fat or obese or slobbish or whatever you want to call it).

I have to remember what I could not do versus what I can do now. What I did got me a new left knee and on Jan 27, a new right knee. I have to really focus on the clothes change (from size to a new size). I have to remember why I did this to begin with. Some days are harder than others. Some days I want to say fuck it and eat the damn BBQ chips. But I get past it and then I keep moving on.

I have to accept that some things I cannot ever change. I pray to god daily and say I am so sorry for what I said and did and who I hurt (either knowingly or unknowingly) and ask him to please forgive me and to please provide comfort to those people for me. I am sorry for everything I have done that was wrong. I accept that at the time I did those things, I wanted to do it, knowing it was wrong. Like with over eating or drinking. But I still CHOSE to do it. I accept it. I ACCEPT it. I acknowledge it. I can NOW move forward.

As I have spoken about before, you must (and I am meaning ME also) acknowledge the issue/problem and why you have the issue and then decide to do something about it. No excuses, no drama (god knows we got enough of that in this world) and just get on with it. Like an old Loretta Lynn song (Times Awastin).

I acknowledge that I drank too much. It was me choosing to do that. So I stopped. I acknowledge that I overeat junk/fast food. So I changed what I ate. I acknowledge that I am insecure and am TRYING to work on getting that better. But that is for another time.

I blamed everyone and everything except yours truly. So I just started. When I heard the doctor tell me that he would give me a new knee but the guy who puts me to sleep won’t because of my size (my BMI), something clicked! And I just started. And here I am. I have good days and bad days with negative thinking but I keep pushing forward. I know that I cannot change the past. Not even 5 min ago. So I accept what is and just get on with it. It is either or.

So as I sit here, I hate my upper saggy arms and my saggy stomach and saggy jiggle upper thighs. BUT I am better than I was and I never want to go back ♥

Basics

Let’s get back to basics today.

You have to begin somewhere. The wonderful thing about that is, you can begin every hour, every day, every morning, every week, every month. YOU can choose when to begin and how to begin. You can begin again every day if you want to or after the next meal or whatever. IT is up to you. Isn’t that just amazing??

To begin you just have to start. Take that first step. Just do it. Forget the past. Forget what is done. Forget what worked or did not work. Forget if you re-gained weight. SO WHAT. Yes, I said it. So what. It’s done. It is a fact. Accept it. Once you do that and realize that only you can change it, (your health or whatever), you can begin. So begin. We all gotta start somewhere.

As a professional (retired LOL) yo yo dieter, I have started more times than I can count. I am ashamed of that but again, it is what it is. I usually think about it, the day before and get myself so mad at me. I think of what I did to re-gain it all back and think why?? Then I understand that the only way I can fix it is to do the opposite of what I did to begin with.

I am a volume eater. I like to eat a lot. This will not change. I just now have changed what I eat and eat better so that I can eat and not over whelm myself and think I am depriving or on a diet. (Note to always remember if you over do it, so what. It won’t end the world. Just do better the next meal or next day).

When I was in my prime, a large bag of BBQ chips was a snack. Note that I said a bag. 3 or 4 sandwiches was the norm. A large entire pizza for yours truly was nothing!! THEN add the drinking. Before I stopped, nearly 4 years ago, I was up to nearly 2 bottles of wine per night. PER NIGHT, everyday. Think of all that sugar. Add that to the calories that I ate all day. AND me not moving, just sitting and drinking and getting more immobile by the hour. And please make note that all the time that I was eating and drinking, I knew exactly what I was doing.

SO, on the drinking part, one day I woke up and went to work as normal. And when I got home, hub handed my wine and I said, no. I do not want that. And haven’t touched any alcohol since. He has not ever brought it up but he is happy that I am sober. As I am. That is a daily thing for me and I strive to never drink again. Do I miss it? Sure. I will always miss it. BUT I do not miss the hangovers or the feeling sick or wondering if I will go #2 and not be near a bathroom. That is over.

BUT on to the food. I thought about what I wanted to do about a week before I actually chose to do something about it. I knew that I had to change what I ate. I had did low carb before and it def works but I also know that I had to make smart choices and because at the time I started, I was truly having a hard time walking due to my knees, my size, my girth or whatever. I knew that I had to curtail my intake caloric wise to lose weight. Calories in versus calories out. 3500 calories is a pound whether you eat it or drink it. And if you take in more calories than you burn off, bingo.

So I read up again on the low carb thing (the craze name is now Keto). Before it was Atkins. SO whatever you call it, call it what it is. Makes no never mind, as long as you do it. So whether it be weight loss surgery or weight watchers or Keto or whatever, just do it.

I told my hub who has been with me through it all. All the weight loss and gains. I won’t go into details because I am near 100 years old and I’d never finish writing BUT I went over what I wanted to do etc to give him an idea. BUT it was and is up to me to actually do it. So I did.

I started Thanksgiving day 2020. The day of feasts. He supported me. We both missed the mashed potatoes and gravy and cranberry and pies. BUT we got through it. And it made me feel stronger. And I have never looked back. I made small but great changes.

I knew what foods are better then others and chose them. (YOU are not stupid. You know what a better choice is and means). Baked/Grilled vs Fried for example. See what I mean.

Since my size, mobility issues, I had to be strict. I wanted knee surgery as my knees are awful. My knee doctor would not give me new knees until I lost weight. One helluva a motivator there. So yes, my knee pain was awful. Had to use a cane to get around. You would too if you had to tote my fat ass all these years and up and down with the weight loss and gains. GEESH. BUT I chose to be strict. No bread, no potato, no rice, no pasta, no snacks, no fast food, no processed, nothing out of a box, no sugar and NO EXCEPTIONS. I went head first. Jumped right on in there. My body, I think went into shock. WTF mom!! Where are the chips? Where is the pizza? My body definitely cleaned out. (yes TMI but imodium was a god send at work FYI).

I started to feel better. I started to look better. I was able to get around a little better. And then I believe about 3 or 4 months later, people started commenting and asking was I losing weight. I worse the same clothes and noticed they were getting baggy (a great feeling). I refused to stop wearing them. I loved seeing them baggy compared to where they were tight. What a great motivation thing there. USE it. Use whatever you need to keep you grounded and on target. Then eventually, I started to buy smaller things and went into my closet and begin to wear things that I had not wore in years!! What a great motivation that is. Still happening BTW.

The only competition you have is within YOU. It is pretty easy. You either do it or you don’t. You eat whatever and drink whatever. That decision is on you. You make that choice. Don’t let it consume you. If you do bad (but keep in mind, eating and drinking is not bad), just do better the next meal or next day or next week or however you want to do it.

I do not write this to say do it to the extreme I did. I had my reasons. YOU do what works for you because you are the one who has to do it. YOU and no one but you.

I watch My 600 pound life sometimes and think how easily that could have been me. I find the same thing I write here is what I would tell them. The Dr tells them that also. The surgery won’t do all the work because they have to change what they eat. Sure they can eat less BUT remember the calorie thing (cals in vs cals out and 3500 equals a pound whether is food or liquid).

But back to the basics. Eat good food, drink to stay hydrated and do what you can with where you are mentally and physically. You have to start somewhere. Who cares what the number on the scale says or what size your pants are. Think of it as a starting point. Let that be your guide to change. Make one little change. Do it for one day or one week and then do another. If you can’t walk (like me when I started), I just changed what I ate/drank. It worked!!

Basics. Think like a baby. If you are hungry, you cry. So if you are hungry, eat.

Don’t eat if you are bored or mad or upset or someone is eating or its time for lunch/dinner etc. EAT when you are truly hungry. When is the last time you heard your stomach growl? Eat when truly hungry. Eat it and enjoy the fuck out of it.

Life passes by so quickly. If you want that cookie, please have it.

If you want to get well (lose weight, exercise or like me, to merely walk), then do it.

Go back to the basics. Look at the food pyramid if that helps.

Use a salad plate instead of a large plate. Don’t go back for seconds. Use whatever tactics that you need to make you do this. Write in a journal. Keep a food diary. Find an accountability partner. I mean do what you need to.

Do what works for you. YOU have to do it. Yes, YOU. YOU are the one who eats and drinks. So you hold that decision.

If you start today, I am proud of you.

If you start tomorrow, I am proud of you.

Just start.. ♥

Think

Today’s thought:

I release all
that I was.

I honour all
that I am.

I embrace all
that I will become

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Accept

It is important to find oneself again if you want to do anything. I find this to be true and I am ONLY speaking in regards to myself. As always.

I grew up in a home with a mother who did not know how to really be a mother or show love and affection. She was such an unhappy person and that unhappiness just trickled down to me and my 2 brothers. I recall her happy very rarely and she seemed so sad. She passed in Sept 2014 and where ever she is now, I am hoping that God has gave her the peace that she so desperately needed and deserved.

I have been so afraid of being (like) her and lived in fear, even now, that I come across as her. I look in the mirror and see her in my reflection as I do resemble her but I truly hope that is all that I carry.

I find and now accept that my worse feature is what I fear the most. CARING to much about what people think of me. Every time I speak or do something, I feel and get worried I will upset someone or have them mad at me. I cannot stand anyone being mad at me. Is that thin skinned? I don’t know but I truly hate that part of me. I am pushing 60 and still can hear the negative comments in my head. Words hurt. Why I try SO hard to not hurt anyone.

But to make yourself well, YOU must accept that the choices YOU made, got you into this position. Yes, I blamed every one and everything for my weight/health issues. All except the person who actually did the eating and drinking.

I have lost a zillion pounds and gained it back in my years alive. What a waste. Not of just money but of food and time and regret. Was that extra bag of chips worth it? Was that 6 pack worth it? Was me ordering a pizza and then call and complain it wasn’t right and then get a free one so I could eat that to worth it? WAS IT?

But whatever is done is done. Get over it. IT will never ever come back or return. The last 5 minutes won’t return either!! So do it right and how YOU want to do it. Do what works for you because YOU are the one doing it and the ONLY ONE who can do this for YOU.

Do you hear me clearly? YES, I am talking to myself.

Thanksgiving day, 2020, is when I again said I am so done.

Why not pick a day to feast to begin to change your health.

I just changed what I ate. I changed that day and became super strict. Hard to believe that in almost 2 years, I haven’t had potatoes (this means fries, potato chips, mashed taters), bread (this means sandwich bread, biscuits, cornbread, crutons, tortillas, pizza crust). I am super strict on my sugar intake (but I do intake daily to help with my blood sugar). I do not eat candy or junk food or anything processed or out of boxes. I also do not eat fruit of any kind. I do not drink regular milk. I do not eat fried foods.

Meat, cheese, veggies is how I roll. I do eat good and I enjoy what I eat. And if I get hungry, I eat. I do not deprive and I do not do without. I just make better choices.

I do not count calories but I do watch my carb intake and my sugar intake. I stop eating by 730 every night (sometimes if it is at after 8 (if we go out) I am not gonna get all bent out of shape.

The most important thing to remember is to make it clearly known to yourself that you are not on a diet. YOU are choosing to make better choices for your body. That’s it.

Being a retired professional dieter, I am aware of the calorie content of most foods but it does not take a rocket scientist to realize some foods are better choices than others. You are not stupid. You know eating an entire bag of BBQ potato chips is not good for you. (I use BBQ chips because I love those. I shall miss them forever). You know eating is eating. You know that grilled chicken is better than fried chicken. You know unsweet tea is better than sweet tea.

So you acknowledge to yourself that you are not dumb and you don’t have to diet to lose weight. Make one small change and see what happens. I chose to dive right in and make all the changes on a massive holiday eating day. No mashed taters and gravy or cranberry sauce or bread rolls or pumpkin and pecan pies. BUT it was the decision I made to start. I had to start somewhere.

I was over 350 pounds, EASY. I could hardly walk. Bad knees toting that much weight on my short body makes a body hurt. I had to use a cane. I could not stand up with feeling like I was dying. And having to go potty, I only hoped that I could make it there before you know….

Now I have had success in the past. What makes it different this time? BECAUSE my knee doctor told me that I could have a new knee. (My left one just got replaced Jan 22) and I am about to get my right one Feb 23 replaced). THAT was my motivation.

My hub could not do this for me. My son and anyone I know could not. IT WAS and IS up to me. I cannot exercise due to my knees so I had to be strict on the food intake. IF you take in more calories than you burn off, you gain. Whether you eat it or drink it. It is a fact. Accept it.

Once you accept things for what they are and how they are, YOU can change.

You have to do what works for you. You know your life and what you do and how you live. I am beyond blessed to have a spouse to support me and give me guidance. Heck, he has been on this journey as long as me HAHA. He is a professional dieter too I guess.

So when you accept whatever, in my opinion, you can begin.

If you do (or you think you did bad one meal or one day), so what. Get over it. It is done and will never come back to re-do. There is no replay in real life. Do what you can with where YOU are right now.

Take it from a very insecure person who has been a weight loss yo you her entire adult life.

YOU can if YOU want. ♥