just call me beach for short

kind of in a pissy mood today. i have not been happy in my current job so i have been looking around. i got some so so responses but things seem to be looking up. i applied to something this past weekend and a lady lvm for me to call her back for an interview. i was so very excited. i could not wait to tell my friend M who i work with and she was happy for me.

BUT the hub was not happy and ruined my entire day. now i am miserable.
i got feedback on the money portion and THEN here comes the weight….that i gained weight back and how he misses who i was…….

who am i now besides a beached whale

i want to call and see the lady about the appt BUT if the pay is not up to par, i would turn it down.

but i may not have to worry, i may not fit in the door………..

do you have weird dreams?

the last few days i have been having some weird dreams…

last night it was kim kardashian (yes really) rolling around on the beach with the waves rolling over her over and over again and dunking her

what does this mean?

then donald trump with one long strand/braid of hair in the back (recall those rat tails …..my son wyatt had one of those)…

what does this mean?

It just doesn’t matter yall

Don’t know about you but I am having a great day. I mean my knees hurt due to the bone thing and also due to the rain/moist weather BUT I am alive and I am here on this earth. It could be worse. I mean a beautiful 18 yr old girl got killed in times square just sightseeing last week. Everyday there are horrors to be heard/seen and just think of the ones we know nothing about yet.

I have decided to go with it. What you see is who the fuck I am. I am me. I cannot be someone I am not.
I am not meant to be who I wish I was in my mind (98 pounds and bearing a strong resemblance to Victoria Beckum..yes for real or Pam Anderson in her heyday).

I have a job that frustrates me more than I can say but I have a job. IF another comes across and it works for me and my family, I will leave. BUT I will continue to give 100 % and try not to let it get to me. Some days will be better than others.

Somethings I cannot control. Somethings I can.
It is ME that controls my feelings. I can let someone or something get to me or NOT. Most of the time I do but I am gonna try to not let it.

Yesterday, the click wanted to meet and have a birthday lunch. K said he did not want to go and I really did not want to either. He had just helped them Fri and Sat move so he said I got a message on FB and not answer. I was thankful I was I was invited but them people aside from 2 or 3 of them, don’t give a crap about me. recall it bothered me to no end and up til recently, remember I posted, none of them liked my stuff and woe is me. I got some great feedback and it made me realize something. Sit down for this one. It will shock you.

It doesn’t matter.

Let me repeat that again. It doesn’t matter. One more for the helluva of it, it doesn’t matter.

I will have good and bad days and not think or believe this, but it doesn’t matter.

So before, I could have went so no one would be mad and would have had a miserable time. BUT
We did go out to local pub and watch some great music. I even took an ugly pic of me smiling showing us having a good time. I posted it to. I don’t feel I am pretty and I hate posting me but I did this one. He was smiling and we were happy. I would not have been smiling if I went to brunch with those people.

I am tired of caring about people who are not worthy of my caring. I am now only caring about those who love me and what you see, short, fat and tatted up is ME. Like me or don’t. It doesn’t matter.

What does matter is how I treat myself. I need to be nicer. I need to stop saying mean and ugly things to me about me. it is not doing anyone any good. I will try even though that is the hardest thing. I have not ever liked myself. NOT ever. And if I cannot like or love myself, as Rupaul says, how can anyone else?

So today, it is a great day. Its rainy and overcast. My kitchen is a mess. I have laundry to do.
BUT life is good.

Yes it is.

PS: Hope yours is 2

jelly shots for knees……….maybe soon

well, went to my Ortho dr yesterday for my knees. Dr Vaughn was super nice…please see the x-ray i have here….on the left, you see the white stuff. That is my bone rubbing directly on bone on either knee. The clear space is cartilage and should go all the way across the knee. mine does not and hence the pain…

so he gave me a cortisone shot on the right knee as this is the one that has been hurting. about 2 months ago i fell directly on that knee and its been hurting ever since. a couple times, i had to walk with a cane and the bending of it was just brutal at times. Went to the reg dr twice for steroid shots in my butt to help with the inflammation. this last time, she decided i needed to see a knee dr…..so i did……..he took about 25 x-rays and in some positions, it hurt pretty good.

so after he came in to see me, he wanted to know when i first hurt my knees. 1983 i was pushed down on both my knees and they have hurt ever since. dr said that started it and with being a female and my mom/grandmother history, i was bound to get it. he said most woman have dense bones. i asked him about supplements, he said that doesn’t work and is a waste of money. 

so he said he hopes this shot helps and i can get one every 3 months and then we can start the jelly shots. I have had about 4 people tell me these work and has helped them not have surgery…which is what he/dr and i most not want..

he made me feel comfortable and not a fat fuck that i am but made me see that i could help the situation by me being mobile again yes, lose weight to help. i feel very good today. he gave me courage and he gave me something i needed, understanding. 

so he got a big needle out and i looked out the window, and he said i am putting some cold stuff on your knee to help the pain and i turned to look at him and he said all done!!!!! it felt funny afterward and he said he made my knee mad by doing this and that it could hurt worse in the coming days for this reason and that within 2 months, i should feel less paid (or sooner). 

i am feeling pretty okay today. 

afraid to lose it…

well….life is life isnt it
sometimes it is good and sometimes it just sucks ASS

but all in all, if we are honest, life is not too bad. i find myself thinking about the green grass on the other side, or just because they have a big house and beamer, are they automatically happier than me? just because kim k is gorgeous, rich, does that make her more better than me who is the opposite? is any one person better than the other?

i always wondered what the next person life was like. would i be happier in a big house? in a cleaner house YES but with a crazy ass doberman and a crazy ass ole man…those days are rare..what would make me happy?

i always thought if i weighed 98 pounds i would be. it seems to me that i am always looking for something that is outta my reach. what if i am too scared to try and be happy? you know the story, us fat people are jolly. ho ho ho

i know i have it better than i am entitled to. my hub treats me like a princess and caters to me and the crazy ass doberman. but inside…i am still scared to totally
let go…

afraid to lose it….