Getting a divorce

I am far from perfect.

But I have to divorce my past and marry my future.

Yesterday was a very stressful day for me. My negative thoughts way of thinking really hammered me yesterday.

The good news is I did not overeat nor did I drink. The bad news is I let my bad thoughts get to me.

I felt insecure around a very pretty lady who was serving us at Hooters. True story we went to Hooters after a Beach Music Festival concert. Nothing wrong with Hooters has pretty decent food.

But I just felt very insecure with myself and I kept thinking my husband deserve somebody that looks like that and not me.

And that I wasted everything because I was too selfish to stop drinking and start eating properly and exercising again a few years ago when I gave up.

I think in 2015 and definitely in 2016 I pretty much just gave up and said screw it and started falling back into my old ways and regain the weight that I had surgery to lose

Then stop exercising really made me pretty much in Mobile again..

But you all know that and the only thing I can say is it was me the surgery worked pure eating properly food Works and Exercise Works.

You can eat to lose weight you just have to eat.

So last night I fell into a pit of despair and because I don’t like arguing and I’m a very passive person. I just kept it inside and I felt that way again today and I let it affect me.

So that’s where I stand today I’m sure I will be able to pull myself out of the doldrums of self-pity here.

But it’s kind of hard how bad I beat up on myself.

That’s why I don’t like enemies don’t need enemies because I’m my best and fierce enemy.

I do believe that phrase you are what you think.

And so yesterday I felt like the oldest ugliest unattractive person on the face of the Earth and it probably related on my face as such.

He didn’t do anything wrong. I saw him look at her I mean why not she’s beautiful I was looking.

But I just felt insecure about myself. I’ve done really well, almost 30 lbs off and I’m feeling better and walking a lot more and a lot farther and really just felt really good here lately.

So since I came out of retirement October 15th yesterday was the first day that I have had these feelings where I hated myself.

Do I hate myself today? No I don’t and I’m proud of myself for what I have done in the last 3 months.

I would have never thought I gave up drinking and that’s amazing that I have.

I forgot to tell you last Thursday we went saw my friend Monika play in her band and everybody was drinking pretty well having a good time except me and I wasn’t bothered by it not one bit. I thought I would be but I wasn’t.

I even ordered my husband Bud Light because he likes to have one every so often and he said he didn’t want it and I said to him you don’t have to not drink just because I don’t and he’s like have you ever known me to be a big drinker?

Any wasn’t I’ve never seen him drunk in 35 years. So we gave it to Monikas wife and went on with the night.

Next month he’s going to Daytona for 4 days at the bike thing down there. And I was asking myself in my head are you strong enough to hang in there while he’s gone? To not drink. Because only I would know I would have to tell anybody.

But I made myself a promise that I would blog about what’s going on in my life good bad and ugly.

So when he’s gone to Daytona Beach I feel pretty confident that I will be and remain alcohol-free.

I see commercials on TV IC articles online and yeah I think about it but I kind of like how I am now not having a hangover not being nauseous in the morning not being scuzzy headed.

so what do I do about how I felt yesterday? there’s not much I can do.

Just house to work itself out my mind has to come to grips with reality and the aspect of what I can do and what I can’t be.

I can’t be something I was never at in my Prime.

I can only be who I am.

And anybody can just take it or leave it if they don’t like it. And that goes directed to My self 2.

you have to accept yourself. And I thought I did and I was doing well up until yesterday about 5pm.

But, better now.

Thanks for listening to me wine. If you read this, thank you

About Banded Carolina Girl

NC girl getting healthy. Come visit me and say hello.
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1 Response to Getting a divorce

  1. Envy (or insecurity) ruins everything. I remember a friend who seemed possessed of the green eyed monster which would quite often chase away her natural and attractive joy. Bitter her siblings were more prosperous, bitter if you got anything new, bitter if you were invited and she was not though she was invited to way more stuff than you were because she had so much family around. At times the bitterness seemed to possess her…She was poor. What she didn’t realize was how rich she was.
    My friend told me this story. One day as she chatted happily to her husband at a stoplight, she noticed a young lady in the car next to her staring at her and her husband. This lady looked of an even lower socio-economic background than my friend.
    My friend proceeded to chat happily, and would look over now and then and notice the lady kept staring, looking miserable. Angry even. This lady certainly didn’t have a happy discussion going on as a passenger in her own car. Finally my friend looked over in the midst of another cheery smiling sentence and noticing the lady staring, my friend waved smilingly. The lady turned away in a huff. My friend told me this story telling me she didn’t understand the whole scene. What she didn’t realize was that when she was happy and cheery, you wanted to be a part of that, you saw joy, you saw hope, beauty, and magic. I believed the lady was looking in wonder at a woman in a seemingly happy marriage, having a partner she loved, having joy. Many are without joy. I think this woman experienced the same envy toward my friend, that my friend was always casting on others…
    Learning to say a prayer of thanks when you see others who have more than you, whether it be beauty, or money, or family or whatever changes your spirit. Flick that insecurity off your shoulder, and give thanks you have a faithful partner which is something most only dream of… 🙂

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