Believe

be·lieve bəˈlēv
verb
accept (something) as true; feel sure of the truth of. To be convinced by, trust, have confidence in, consider honest, consider truthful

Ask yourself this question, do you believe in yourself right this very moment?
I do not but I am stronger than I was on Monday. I am stronger today then I was yesterday.

I don’t have to be perfect nor do I have to live/die by the numbers on a scale.
But most of my adult life, I have. I still do. To be (thin) would mean everything. But in reality, that is something that will never happen to me. The goal is to be healthy. Especially now that my knees are in the bad condition that they are in. ONLY I can correct that.

I know what to do and I know how to do it. I know which foods are good for me and which are not the best choices. I know that alcohol is empty calories. I know the basics. But the part that makes all this come together, is me. Not my hub, not my doctor, not the few friends that I have left.

This has to be me 24/7 and it has to be top priority in my life.
I have to think about this all the time. I have and need to live/eat/drink getting better. I need to do this not only for the clothes hanging in my closet and to ride with my hub on his motorcycle again, but for my knees.

I found this on Harvard Health: “More often than not, the knee pain can be treated without surgery. Obesity causes increased load on the muscles and joints. The knee joint feels 5 times body weight each step we take – so a weight loss of even 5 lbs can feel like a 25 lb weight loss to your knee.”

I can only imagine walking 25 steps or standing up without pain.
I now yearn for that more than a pant size or scale number.

You have to hit a dead end before you can begin again.
Everyday we get a new day to start.
I woke up Monday, October 15 and said to myself, enough.

I am now going to do this for me.
I have some obstacles to deal with (insecurity level around my spouse, people I work with and the group of friends we have) but this is about me. I have a notebook. I intend to write. And if I need to, show my spouse and let him read the words if he hurt me or if I cannot communicate how I am feeling about whatever. It is easier for me to write (can you tell??).

Little changes add up. I am not changing everything. I am not going cold turkey.
I am focusing this week on 2 things that I know are horrible and that I knew all along how bad it was for me to do (but I still chose to do it). Snacking instead of eating and drinking A LOT of wine. Those things I am working on this week. I am giving it 7 days, at 100%. 7 days to let my confidence grow as I realize I am in control of my will power after all.

Next Monday, I will chose 2 more things. I have no decided nor have I gave it much thought. I have an idea of what one will be but nothing written in stone yet.

You have to believe that you can.
I have done it before. (yes, several times). Not trying makes you a failure.
I am not a failure. I am a human. I am a female. I am someone who wants to do better and be better. I am the only one who can do it for me.

But first, I must believe.