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Scared and Ashamed

about a week ago, my right side on my stomach felt like it was a pulled muscle at work when i stood up..it is also at the spot of my port that goes w/my lap band….i was at work when i noticed it hurting (not hurting bad) but like you pulled something…uncomfy is the word…

the next day, i rested up and it was sore and i, of course began to get nervous and concerned that i somehow (hurt) myself…started crying and been crying pretty much since….not telling anyone and keeping it inside.

i am too scared to go to the dr.
i have gained weight back and i am too ashamed to go to this place
i had great success but am now a failure. in my eyes, i am a failure.
i do not want to go there and have them people look and or laugh at me.

BUT, it has been almost a week and it still sore and it hurts when i stand up
(not hurt but it pulls down on my right side where my port is). I do not see anything protruding and i can take deep breaths so i am unsure. BUT i fear
i may have damaged the port somehow or i am just hoping, some muscle was
(hurt) when i leaned over or something.

I DONT KNOW
I DONT wanna go to the dr
I dont wanna have my hub or anyone else mad at me

I overate again and stopped exercising and that is why my WLS of choice stopped working NOT the lap band.

i am SO ashamed of who i am right now as i write this.
when my hub joined his MC, he was so proud of me and that was the time when
i had a commercial on tv with my lap band dr….he told them because the commercial was playing all the time. i recall when he told me, i was so mad at him
i felt ashamed and i said what if i gain it back, they will think bad of me and maybe even feel sorry for him..hence why i dont go around much anymore
(aside from the sneaky/fake bitches who trash other woman..i dont do that so i dont go around them)…if that makes me stuck up or not nice, so be it..i am who i am
what you see is what you get.

i have been trying and doing well for about 3 weeks
i am doing better on what i eat and how much…i could lie
but the excess poundage is true and it is easy to see that i do overeat.

BUT i am doing well
but when/if i go to the dr, they will see that part of me
and think i no longer care

i did for a long while, stop caring. when they denied me the skin surgery, i pretty much just gave up. yup, that is true. then my mom died, his dad died, kabo died and then hubs best friend was killed…..all that within 10 months..i remember telling
hub i cannot take much more…..after all that

i handle stress with eating
it doesnt talk back
it is happy to see me
it dont care what i look like

i feel so weak and stupid and just HATE me right now
BUT i am also aware it is up to me to fix the issue.

i do know i need to go to the DR
i dont want to
i dont wanna dammit

the last time i went, the PA made me feel like total shit
asked me what are you doing and that i am going way in the wrong direction
REALLY—imagine that
yes i know this
YES this is why i am here

i got so embarrassed, that i left and never went back
i am very insecure as it is ….and when you are a fattie like me, even more so.

thanks for letting me vent and get my feeligs out. sometimes i feel so alone.
i dont really talk to anyone that i know in person about my weight…eye candy and michelle are the only ones i feel strong enough to talk about it to.

i wish i felt secure enough to talk to hub about it. he is my #1 fan
but i feel he would be disappointed in me and i am not strong enough to handle that

i will let you know if, when i make the appt.
i will have to do it….and see what is the issue.

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3 thoughts on “Scared and Ashamed

  1. Sweetie (and I mean that sincerely) we all know, especially your husband, that this is a lifelong struggle. It happens. It happened to me. I gained 50lbs in 6 months. That’s an extreme case and I had a weight-gainer medication and a crappy thyroid to contend with, but yet there’s no excuse. I did it to myself, I started eating sugar and flour again. I know exactly how you feel. But think about this: If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. (or something like that). GO TO THE DR. Screw ’em if someone is snide, they don’t know you. You don’t really care what they think. Prove them wrong. Get a checkup, pain is your body telling you something is WRONG. Get a fill and get the hell out of there. Move on. Prove them wrong, get back on track and stay there. No matter how many times you fall off the wagon, dust yourself off and get back on. I’ve been saying I’m going to do Atkins, but I keep eating carbs. So I try the next meal, the next day, whatever. I’ll keep on trying till I start doing.
    You can do it girl. Chin up, head high. You go in and ask for help, get it, and go.

    • YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEEDED TO READ THIS. AND YES I AM SHOUTING BECAUSE THIS IS AWESOME..

      YOU ARE RIGHT…GO THERE…SCREW WHAT ANYONE THINKS AND GET OUT OF THERE AND GET ON WITH IT…

      YOU APOPLEXY IS AWESOME AND I LOVE YOU FOR TAKING TIME OUT TO TALK SOME SENSE INTO ME.

  2. Hello Girlie. Sorry I have been out of circulation for a bit. But let’s get to business. As you and I know we do not sugar coat or bullshit so let’s hit it.
    The pain you are feeling or felt can be that the suttures/stapples/grips or whatever the hell they used on you have ripped or somehow came detached. Sadly it is actually quite common but, but because of the way the port is dessigned it is not a deal breaker. You still must get checked because you want to avoid the chance of this developing into something of more serious consecuences.
    You need to remember something…. Everybody celebrates the victories and everyone enjoyes the spoils of winning. But it is up to us to fight the battles when shit happens and you and I know that shit happens often. We can not hold against others when WE fail. We can not put it on others when our efforts come up short. It is up to us and it is for us that we must accomplish and keep trying.
    We alrady know what works for and against us. Now we must use the knowledge. Seldomly do I win a battle against Butter Pecan ice cream. Actually I have never once won. I do not know what is your poison but if it is sweets let me tell you one of the things I do. I make Jello, Diet Jello of two or three flavors and I keep at least a quart of each flavor. I also keep a couple containers of Whipped Cream handy and every time I feel the dessire to indulge I stuff my face with it. End result in carbs almost zero. I keep meat salads ready in the fridge and when hunger has me thinking of eating something I should not I go get me some. I keep carrot and celery sticks ready in the fridge and a gallon container of regular blue cheese and ranch. Since I do a Low carb, Low Sodium, high protein diet all of this is not a problem. Figure out where the “Fails” are happening and let’s take care of it. You have my e mail address so please reach out if I can help.
    Go to the Doctor. He has a vested interest in you being well and getting back on track. It is irrelevant what others think as they are not fighting your battles and more importantly they are not living your life. Besides… They Don’t Matter.
    Girly you have a husband that loves you and that has been there for you so do not allow how you are feeling now to afect what you have.
    Go play with the pup and breath. Show yourself some love.
    Please let me know how I can be of assistance. I am here.
    Your Friend Jose

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