I am okay. I am still very down. I am still very hurt.
this person is now being all nice/friendly to me. they began to be
that way a couple hours after they told me that i was a failure..
the words were you had the lap band for almost 3 years and your still fat.
its (your) my fault..
yes, i guess it is
i know i am eating more calories than i burn off BINGO
i am not stupid (i may look it) but i am not
i know what to eat that is better for me than other things
i know it is important to exercise (even if it is to walk around the block)
and i know/understand that cals in vs cals out is important
i guess it hurt not only from whom said to me
but that maybe it was true
i dont feel a failure
i have come a long way since i could not wipe my ass or put on socks
(yes i was that frigging obese)..i have a huge saggy ass stomach to prove it
and then i do feel like a failure
i know a young lady who had bypass and has lost a lot of weight..granted
i had about 90 more pounds on her then she started and here she is..and i like
WTF is wrong with me..and before you ask, no i am not in counseling but i have done
that in the past (after my brothers suicide in the late 80s)…
as i write this, i feel so alone in this world
i am ashamed of myself..of how i look and more importantly how i feel
first that fruit cake (my so called friend) hurt my heart and to this fucking
day i have NO idea why.. all i know is that (she told people i changed and that when she saw me taking a moonshine filled peach from my friends mouth, she didnt believe in that lifestyle)?? what lifestyle?? because me, my friends including my ole man took a piece of fruit from a drunk chicks mouth??..and she told another friend of mine LIES about me and that is why i refer to her as my so called friend because she IS NOT… and from what i understand, she trashes all the people she (hangs/smokes dope with) to other people..i also believe that because me and hub do NOT do drugs she does not find us (fun to be with)? BUT that is her..now i see her i say hey how are you, a slight hug and move on…i am good w/it now BUT i hate people who lie and esp lie about ME..
second..am i failure? when this person said this to me, i heard my mom..i recall quite clearly how she made me feel…and i felt and still feel as i write this that very way..like i shouldnt even be taking a breath because i am that unworthy..sucks to be a fat ass but at least i am not as fat as i once was but if i am not careful, i sure could be again
i do know that in the last 2 days, i have changed. i am not the happy go lucky (fat) girl.
i am just not the same person. this person (hurt) me deeply. and it hurts a lot to hear that coming from a support unit i counted/depended on.
let it go?
sure, easy for some
but i am not that strong..i am pretty meek/mild/easy going/easy to hurt
and this person made a direct hit and hurt me.
i have feelings that i cannot control today
i am letting them control me..