Feelings I cannot control

I am okay. I am still very down. I am still very hurt.

this person is now being all nice/friendly to me. they began to be
that way a couple hours after they told me that i was a failure..
the words were you had the lap band for almost 3 years and your still fat.
its (your) my fault..

yes, i guess it is
i know i am eating more calories than i burn off BINGO
i am not stupid (i may look it) but i am not
i know what to eat that is better for me than other things
i know it is important to exercise (even if it is to walk around the block)
and i know/understand that cals in vs cals out is important

i guess it hurt not only from whom said to me
but that maybe it was true

i dont feel a failure
i have come a long way since i could not wipe my ass or put on socks
(yes i was that frigging obese)..i have a huge saggy ass stomach to prove it
and then i do feel like a failure
i know a young lady who had bypass and has lost a lot of weight..granted
i had about 90 more pounds on her then she started and here she is..and i like
WTF is wrong with me..and before you ask, no i am not in counseling but i have done
that in the past (after my brothers suicide in the late 80s)…

as i write this, i feel so alone in this world
i am ashamed of myself..of how i look and more importantly how i feel

first that fruit cake (my so called friend) hurt my heart and to this fucking
day i have NO idea why.. all i know is that (she told people i changed and that when she saw me taking a moonshine filled peach from my friends mouth, she didnt believe in that lifestyle)?? what lifestyle?? because me, my friends including my ole man took a piece of fruit from a drunk chicks mouth??..and she told another friend of mine LIES about me and that is why i refer to her as my so called friend because she IS NOT… and from what i understand, she trashes all the people she (hangs/smokes dope with) to other people..i also believe that because me and hub do NOT do drugs she does not find us (fun to be with)? BUT that is her..now i see her i say hey how are you, a slight hug and move on…i am good w/it now BUT i hate people who lie and esp lie about ME..

second..am i failure? when this person said this to me, i heard my mom..i recall quite clearly how she made me feel…and i felt and still feel as i write this that very way..like i shouldnt even be taking a breath because i am that unworthy..sucks to be a fat ass but at least i am not as fat as i once was but if i am not careful, i sure could be again

i do know that in the last 2 days, i have changed. i am not the happy go lucky (fat) girl.
i am just not the same person. this person (hurt) me deeply. and it hurts a lot to hear that coming from a support unit i counted/depended on.

let it go?
sure, easy for some
but i am not that strong..i am pretty meek/mild/easy going/easy to hurt
and this person made a direct hit and hurt me.

i have feelings that i cannot control today
i am letting them control me..

Advertisements

About Banded Carolina Girl

NC girl getting healthy. Come visit me and say hello.
This entry was posted in carolina girl, depressed, fat, feelings, insecure, sad and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

14 Responses to Feelings I cannot control

  1. cohencycles says:

    the best advice I have ever received came from a list somewhere… and one of the items on the list is: What other people think of you is none of your business….. you can’t change her, but you can change your response… as soon as you can, drop the story line, stop rehashing, rethinking… those were her words… they do NOT define you!
    get out and do something, anything, that changes the energy…. focus on how far you have come, make a list, make a blog of all the things you CAN do.. and then decide on ONE thing that you will do today… for you… AND forget her…. yuck, that is not a friend…. and hey, thanks for following my blog, I am so new to this!

    • BOY i need this kick in my britches today..i believe you are right on every dangum thing you wrote…i cant change her but i can change how it/she affects me….you are right..i love this …heck yeah i do….thank you for writing to me. i have tears responding to you now… ♥

  2. Dear Banded Carolina Girl, Sorry to hear what your friend said and did. Life happens and many times we just don’t like it. But it is not your feelings that are hurt, it’s the trust you invested in your friend that appears to be lost, even temporarily. Not that everyone is totally trustworthy, we all fall short of the mark from time to time. Reality is often different from our own perceptions of it and our disappointments are proportional to that difference.

    Meanwhile, it is not exactly calories in and calories out. Our bodies don’t store protein else our spare tires would be hard as a rock. We don’t even store the fat we eat. What we do store are the excess sugar and carbohydrates. Even if you eat a ton of complex carbohydrates you will store a ton of them. It just takes a little longer and a bit more energy to convert complex carbohydrates to simple carbohydrates and then to sugar and back again as we stuff our fat cells full. Eat more protein, watch the intake of complex carbohydrates, and avoid the simple carbohydrates and especially sugar. The weight will come off. It took you years to put it on, got to expect years to take it off. It will happen.

    • thank you for writing. i know after my WLS it seemed the more protein i ate, the faster i lost
      but of course, it was due to the fact i wasnt eating for 5 people any longer 🙂

      i am a snack and loved that stuff and hence why i got super morbid YUK. sorry to say that as it is embarrassing but it was who i was….key word WAS and if i dont get out of my doldrums..well, that wont happen..i came too far to go back

      and that person was never my friend
      and i guess i did trust her and her to break the trust with lies and telling things told in confidence, yes hurt me

      thanks for writing to me

  3. cohencycles says:

    how did the day go? what did you do for you?

    • Hello…today is today…it is a FRIDAY..i am so glad. it has been a very exhausting week..my mind is still flimsy but i am doing okay i think….still sad but trying to remember where i am is better than where i started…thanks for saying hey. it means a lot

      • cohencycles says:

        Hurray for you!…. one day at a time! and one thing for you today…. I am learning that I control my own emotional pain… others act out of their pain, my choice to take it or let it go… and on you go!

      • one day at a time…or one hour at a time sometimes i all i can manage to do…i do so try to let it go…let shit go but i seem to ponder/worry/fret over .EVERYTHING…like if i take an afternoon off of work, i fret will someone be mad??

        why do i even care? like when this person hurt me with vile words, i should have said who cares/screw you….but instead, let it envelope me into a sad person i am right now typing this

      • cohencycles says:

        oh, I just saw this post…. I hope you are feeling so much better…. there is a journey to self esteem, to self belief, to self respect… and you are moving forward with this journey… doubt that any of us fully get there, but we do get ‘better’….

  4. I know this feeling but i don’t know how to over come it. What others say when you aren’t around doesn’t concern you, it just shows thier lack of character. I’m sorry! And i will pray about it for you, I pray that you have peace!

  5. cherished79 says:

    It still affects me, and I’ve lost a lot of weight. I could wear sleeveless summer tops if I wanted to, but I don’t because I feel that my arms are still too fat looking. I don’t wear shorts because my legs look terrible also. This is what I’ve always wanted to be thinner, I have now almost reached my goal weight and I’m still not happy, so where does it end?

    Through therapy I’ve talked about this to death, and my therapist has said, you know, who cares, when you are out in public, wear what you want, you will never see these people again. I’m trying to think this way but it’s hard to change after being fat all of your life.

    • cohencycles says:

      wow, so is fat on the outside or on the inside? the outside will go away with diet and exercise… how does the inside ‘fat’ go away? or does it? without change on the inside the outside is temporary… which likely means that we often ‘diet’ for others… for approval, love acceptance..

      this has me thinking about my own journey… I must find the reasons/purpose to do this for ME, solely for ME…

    • i have saggy upper arms and stomach and thighs…if i wear short sleeves, its terrible but i cant do anything about it…it is what it is ..if people dont like it, dont look but it does embarrass me terribly….

      i will always hate what i look like..no matter what i weigh..i always have..i guess i will always..

      damn shame we have those type thoughts.

  6. cohencycles says:

    wow, so is fat on the outside or on the inside? the outside will go away with diet and exercise… how does the inside ‘fat’ go away? or does it? without change on the inside the outside is temporary… which likely means that we often ‘diet’ for others… for approval, love acceptance..

    this has me thinking about my own journey… I must find the reasons/purpose to do this for ME, solely for ME…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s