sure we all know that is is what is on the inside that is important…but in this world, it is also what is on the outside that matters most..
i spend my life where ever i go, comparing myself to others
usually its me knowing i am the biggest girl and am i embarrassing my hub around his friends because i am fat.
i am realistic..i am not thin nor am i skinny..i am a big girl..i have a saggy stomach and thunder thighs and flappy upper arms..but it is who i am…
i have accepted who i am for the most part as its all i can do
its a ongoing battle that i deal with that is inside me..i have always battled that
i cant blame my mom for my insecurity in total but i do hold her some responsible for it
i know that even if i weighed 100 pounds that i would still feel this way
i hate how i think about myself to myself.the outside world can say you are so pretty
and so nice and your not fat…or how about the one that you have such a pretty face…
for some reason my hub seems to accept me
apparently at any weight…but i think that is more due to his nature
if he and other people accept me, then why cant i accept me??
i was in therapy years ago after my brothers suicide and i went off and on
they keep saying it was my upbringing and my mom..yes, i can give them that some
but i cant blame her for my weight (it was me doing the eating of fast food)..but
i am not sure..i am nearly 50 yrs old and still feel like i am a child in my mind in
regards to being around people..
i want people to see me
but the first thing they see is the outside
and the outside of me is the one thing i hate so very much
and if i hate that part of me so much….how can i expect people to accept/like me?
i have accepted that it is me that is to blame for my weight issue
and i know its me who has to make it better…and yes, even as i continue to lose
i will still have a spare tire around my stomach for all the world to see..
this august, we are going to the beach for 4 days with my hubs mc and yes i am already
stressing… will be the big one…who wants to see my fat ass and all those types of thoughts..
i am excited to be going to the beach and i am excited that my hunka hub got us a king size bed wink wink
but i dread all the insecurity that i am already anticipating happening…i know it as i am already thinking about it..
inside is what matters
but dammit, i sure wish i could really believe that today..