inside..acceptance is a daily battle

sure we all know that is is what is on the inside that is important…but in this world, it is also what is on the outside that matters most..

i spend my life where ever i go, comparing myself to others
usually its me knowing i am the biggest girl and am i embarrassing my hub around his friends because i am fat.
i am realistic..i am not thin nor am i skinny..i am a big girl..i have a saggy stomach and thunder thighs and flappy upper arms..but it is who i am…

i have accepted who i am for the most part as its all i can do
its a ongoing battle that i deal with that is inside me..i have always battled that
i cant blame my mom for my insecurity in total but i do hold her some responsible for it

i know that even if i weighed 100 pounds that i would still feel this way
i hate how i think about myself to myself.the outside world can say you are so pretty
and so nice and your not fat…or how about the one that you have such a pretty face…

for some reason my hub seems to accept me
apparently at any weight…but i think that is more due to his nature
if he and other people accept me, then why cant i accept me??

i was in therapy years ago after my brothers suicide and i went off and on
they keep saying it was my upbringing and my mom..yes, i can give them that some
but i cant blame her for my weight (it was me doing the eating of fast food)..but
i am not sure..i am nearly 50 yrs old and still feel like i am a child in my mind in
regards to being around people..

i want people to see me
but the first thing they see is the outside
and the outside of me is the one thing i hate so very much
and if i hate that part of me so much….how can i expect people to accept/like me?

i have accepted that it is me that is to blame for my weight issue
and i know its me who has to make it better…and yes, even as i continue to lose
i will still have a spare tire around my stomach for all the world to see..

this august, we are going to the beach for 4 days with my hubs mc and yes i am already
stressing… will be the big one…who wants to see my fat ass and all those types of thoughts..
i am excited to be going to the beach and i am excited that my hunka hub got us a king size bed wink wink
but i dread all the insecurity that i am already anticipating happening…i know it as i am already thinking about it..

inside is what matters
but dammit, i sure wish i could really believe that today..

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About Banded Carolina Girl

NC girl getting healthy. Come visit me and say hello.
This entry was posted in acceptance, attitude, Basics, believe in yourself, big, Eating, eating and choices, hubby, kindness and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to inside..acceptance is a daily battle

  1. Eye Candy says:

    Ok, I am writing about this one. I never comment on this page, but today I am. On your phone, do you have a picture when you turn it on? Put a before picture with an after one beside each other. I have fat faced pictures on my freezer and look at them all the time. Huge difference. My omega chain hangs now and looks better on me.

    About what people see, the outside of all over weight people. I have a cousin who is 73 and very very over weight most of her life. She got pregnant at 17-18, high school drop out. Her father died when she was around 7. My aunt worked full time and did a shitty job raising her 2 daughters, another story. My cousin got her GED, my mother babysat. My brother got her a great job at a doctor’s office. After a while she got a job being the head of the legal department at MA Employment. All this while being over weight. People (one of our aunts) couldn;t believe an overweight person could have such a great job. People did look at her body and not her brains.

    A few years ago, Dr. Phil’s sons put on a body suit and went looking for jobs. Never was hired. He took off the body suit, got hired. Very very sad.

    Now Miss CG, put on your biggest smile and fuck everyone who doesn’t love the real you!! Because I do.
    Arlene aka Eye Candy

  2. cherished79 says:

    The weight thing…just about takes over your life doesn’t it, at least it took over mine. I used to lay in bed at night hoping my fat clothes would turn into size 12 clothes by morning. Well, finally I got the chance that my size 24 clothes were size 12, and I was thinner sure and I no longer had to go into the plus-sized stores, but I wasn’t happy, in fact my world didn’t change and I became obsessed and developed a true eating disorder. Go figure, the doc wanted me GAIN WEIGHT. Anyways, I have gained some, and I’m much happier, oh would like to lose a bit, but my dreams were not what I thought they would turn out to be.

    Best of luck, you’ve been through alot and you’re a brave person. Hugs, Deb

    • deb..thanks for taking time out to comment/read my words…some days are harder than others on me…i can only hope i can get my shit together (mental wise) as it seems i am harder on myself than the (*outside*) world is…..so if i think negative of myself..so must the rest of the world…

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