faith

not in faith (as in religion)
but faith in ones self. in ones own being
do i have faith in (myself)

yesterday i started thinking about the last time i was losing
weight and doing so fabulous that i thought my poop didnt stink
and i truly believed i’d never gain that weight back.

but slow but surely, i started not doing my aerobics every day…i started to stop walking so much …i started to eat more junk food and buying potato chips and the old (habits) slowly made their way back into my life.

i can sit here and see back in 06, me eating mcdonalds at lunch and thinking its only one time…….but it turned into daily as it was (easier) and (cheaper)…..and forget exercising. excuses started coming from everywhere again.

i can sit here and see my clothes becoming tighter and tighter and me giving out more and more just by walking to my car or the mailbox.

why did i not stop it? did i lose faith? did i lose belief in myself? did i stop caring? why? why? why??

i can sit here and tear myself apart of what i did and did not do.
yesterday, i was thinking (alot) about things i didnt do and things that i did
do and so wished i could take it all back and do over. beating myself up
wont solve a darn thing.

what is done is done.
so i (started over) again. just like anyone can.

i read on this forum about people (cheating or having a bad day) and they
are so (upset and feel like it is the end of the world). let me say that overeating one meal or a couple meals one day or a couple days wont make you gain 10 pounds. overeating like that daily, will. i know this for a fact as i have done this many times.

just pulling yourself back up and just starting over will make you feel
better and stronger. the more you whine about it and throw a pity party wont help matters. its done. move on.

yesterday, i had some (thoughts) and was feeling bad about myself.
really beating myself up with how could you have gained weight (again) after losing it?? (this is from 05 to 12 before i had my surgery–not recently)..i thought about the things i was doing and use to wear and i really got very very down on myself. isnt that how it always goes?

i started thinking, why did i just stop caring? why did i do what i knew i shouldnt have? why didnt i just start over? why didnt i find a new tops group to go to for support? why did i just……….and the list is endless. then i spent about 2 min pondering the pits of sadness and feeling right crappy and having a pity party.

i could have very easily did something i use to do in the past.
overeat on junk food (as it is in my cabinets–hub likes chips and cookies and things like that). but nope, i went and got me a boiled hard egg and ate it. and just like that, my moment of (woe) was gone.

i think we all do that. when you have a bad/sad/tired of the world day, you could find yourself thinking negative. why did i feel sad? i have no idea. i had a great weekend with the old man and the weather wasnt too bad..it was just something that crept up on me. if i was not in the frame of mind that i am in now, who knows what i may have done. i was one who binged and purged. i was one who overate til she got sick. that was me. its easy to go back to that person but i dont want too.

i finally (after 6 or 7 years) have faith in me again.
and everyday its getting stronger and stronger. no one else
can do this for me. its got to be a job that i can do.
its me who makes the decision to eat healthy or not .
to overeat just because its there or not. to snack all day long or not.
its me who is responsible for me. (not hub, not my surgeon) me.

i do know the plication is helping me feel full after smaller amounts and of course, my want power is stopping at 1 cup of food regardless if i want to eat more and more.(which i am sure i could but i make that choice not too).. but if i think about it, me being a large person who ate alot to get to nearly 350, i was hungry all the time. so i ate and ate.

i do eat when i am hungry. i grab a healthy snack and life is great. and if i am not hungry, i dont eat.

head hunger with me is a thing of the past really. it does not enter my thoughts and if it does on occasion, it does not win. as i am stronger now and i have (faith) in me.

to succeed, you need to believe in yourself
i need to believe in myself. i need to know that i can do this.
that losing weight slowly is the way to go and that keeping it
real and keeping the faith is the only way i can do this.

faith

its about believing in me.