Fluro Xray and Fill

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i took the day off from work to go see my dr..

well, d day arrived and let me stress how nervous i was…i did not sleep the night before and kept thinking all sorts of (things) that they were going to tell me that was wrong….and ending with me needing surgery for some reason…i was terrified…
and having to tell my ole man something like that was not something i was looking forward to doing..and i had convinced myself that it was…

so i dressed and headed to the dr..when i got there, not one person in the waiting room..shit you not…i thought they were closed LOL….but they took my info and i sat for less than 5 min and off i went through the doors…

i know i gained weight so i told the lady i did not need to see the numbers and she said no problem, just turn around…boom…..and off we went into the next room…she took my vitals….blood pressure excellent…..pulse a bit high and that was to be expected……and then off to the xray…..gotta take a look at the lap band to see if everything is okay as it had been over a year since i was here…

**please do not do like me……see your doctor regularly**

sat down in the chair and they placed the big machine up to my tummy and i swallowed some not so bad tasting liquid and they snapped the xray and off we went back to the room…no less than 5 min, did a most wonderful and nice lady appear…a very tall woman and somewhat on the (larger) side so i felt so comfortable that she would not judge me….i am the worse one on judging myself as you already know..

she propped her feet up and said talk to me…..so i did…i bet i talked for 20 to 25 min…about work, my work stress, my weight, what i do and what i didnt do, what happened the last 2 yrs and what made me stay away from the dr office..

she did not judge, she listened and nodded her head…..and when i finished, she said your band is FINE. …no issues and i cannot tell you how relieved i am ..and i was when she said that to me.

we discussed what i needed to do (protein first, veggies, fruit, move, drink) but the most important thing was she said i was not and am not a failure regardless of what i keep telling myself…

not that i dont believe it as i do feel like a failure to the highest level…but who am i to argue with a dr…haha

so she said lets do a fill and see what we can do to help…as i def need one.
for those who do not know, i have a lap band with plication WLS. every so often,
they put a needle into my stomach to to port and put some saline it to tighten the band that goes around the (neck) of my stomach so i wont eat so much…..i could but it makes me feel fuller sooner so i won’t eat as much…it works and it works better when i help it.

so she had a little issue finding the port…the needle went in (just a stick) and i felt her tapping the port (about the size of a dime) with the needle…..and she said the area she needed to stick the big ass needle is the size of a pencil eraser..

NOW i am starting to freak out…thinking it is my port…rememeber i said i had pain and i was scared i torn something (but hoped it was scare tissue)…well, i begin to normally begin to think surgery to fix the damn port…just GREAT…

i asked her, should i be worried…a resolute absolutely NOT
she said lets go to the xray again and check out the port itself…i was down for that..a bit nervous and scared but it needed to be done.

so she makes me stand in front of the xray machine, another lady moves the big cannon to my stomach and this lady kneels in front of me with a big needle…i am ok with needles, i am very tatted out but this was a new thing to me…

so the needle goes in and this time, it smarts a bit..
i can def feel it going through my skin

SCORE….with the help of the fluro xray, she made a bullseye into the port.
and no, you don’t feel a thing.

she suctioned out what i had in there (2 cc) and inputted (1 cc) for a total of (3 cc’s).

i was on liquids yesterday and today, as tolerated.
i can tell i am (tighter) if you will. i expect the next 5 or 6 days for the fill
and my insides to make the adjustments.

this means i will fill full…..quicker than normal
so i cannot over eat as i am full….(feeling) and if i push it, it will
really get uncomfy feeling..

so she put on a band aid and off i went……she wants to see me in 5 to 6 weeks.
and i will make that appt.

i got home and relaxed a smidge…relieved that my insides are not messed up.
i use to read lap band forum and obesity help but they trashed…and i mean BADLY, trashed the type of WLS that i have…it made me feel like crap and that this would happen (the band this and the band that)

what i do know is that my lap band works
it worked EVEN better when i worked with it
by eating what i know i need to
exercising (in my case…walking)
and doing the hard thing…being positive.

and that boys ands girls…..was my dr’s appt.

what say you?

rock the boat

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Know who is rowing in your boat and not drilling holes in it when you are not looking. Nobody can make it through life without someone helping them in some type of way whether it be mental motivation or physical aide, but don’t be the one that falls victim to thinking everything has your best interest in mind. This doesn’t mean you can’t accept people on your support team you feel is around you, but just staying conscious that there are those that smile to you on good days and smile even bigger on bad.. This is why the word “relying” should only apply to yourself.. that way nothing is expected of others so when their not there for you your not slowed with disappointment, but when they do its just icing on the cake. Know your team and who is on it, because the real teammates will know that you are rowing just as strongly for them too.. #IHEARYOUBEAST

I made dr appt 2/23

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i called once and the lady said we cannot see you until the 29th of March….i said even if i in pain (i am not but i told her i was)..she said yup…i said well okay then and that i would call back.

so eye candy encouraged me to keep trying
not to be ashamed

so i called back
i got hold of a nice lady who helped me make an appt on Feb 23 at 1030
i talked to her for a while and had a nice long encouraging conversation
and me telling her of my bad experience and how ashamed i am etc….

i am going…not happy about it…but am going just the same
we need to find out if something is wrong or not and if not, get a fill.

i have restarted my life about 3 weeks ago
just me getting on with it

Scared and Ashamed

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about a week ago, my right side on my stomach felt like it was a pulled muscle at work when i stood up..it is also at the spot of my port that goes w/my lap band….i was at work when i noticed it hurting (not hurting bad) but like you pulled something…uncomfy is the word…

the next day, i rested up and it was sore and i, of course began to get nervous and concerned that i somehow (hurt) myself…started crying and been crying pretty much since….not telling anyone and keeping it inside.

i am too scared to go to the dr.
i have gained weight back and i am too ashamed to go to this place
i had great success but am now a failure. in my eyes, i am a failure.
i do not want to go there and have them people look and or laugh at me.

BUT, it has been almost a week and it still sore and it hurts when i stand up
(not hurt but it pulls down on my right side where my port is). I do not see anything protruding and i can take deep breaths so i am unsure. BUT i fear
i may have damaged the port somehow or i am just hoping, some muscle was
(hurt) when i leaned over or something.

I DONT KNOW
I DONT wanna go to the dr
I dont wanna have my hub or anyone else mad at me

I overate again and stopped exercising and that is why my WLS of choice stopped working NOT the lap band.

i am SO ashamed of who i am right now as i write this.
when my hub joined his MC, he was so proud of me and that was the time when
i had a commercial on tv with my lap band dr….he told them because the commercial was playing all the time. i recall when he told me, i was so mad at him
i felt ashamed and i said what if i gain it back, they will think bad of me and maybe even feel sorry for him..hence why i dont go around much anymore
(aside from the sneaky/fake bitches who trash other woman..i dont do that so i dont go around them)…if that makes me stuck up or not nice, so be it..i am who i am
what you see is what you get.

i have been trying and doing well for about 3 weeks
i am doing better on what i eat and how much…i could lie
but the excess poundage is true and it is easy to see that i do overeat.

BUT i am doing well
but when/if i go to the dr, they will see that part of me
and think i no longer care

i did for a long while, stop caring. when they denied me the skin surgery, i pretty much just gave up. yup, that is true. then my mom died, his dad died, kabo died and then hubs best friend was killed…..all that within 10 months..i remember telling
hub i cannot take much more…..after all that

i handle stress with eating
it doesnt talk back
it is happy to see me
it dont care what i look like

i feel so weak and stupid and just HATE me right now
BUT i am also aware it is up to me to fix the issue.

i do know i need to go to the DR
i dont want to
i dont wanna dammit

the last time i went, the PA made me feel like total shit
asked me what are you doing and that i am going way in the wrong direction
REALLY—imagine that
yes i know this
YES this is why i am here

i got so embarrassed, that i left and never went back
i am very insecure as it is ….and when you are a fattie like me, even more so.

thanks for letting me vent and get my feeligs out. sometimes i feel so alone.
i dont really talk to anyone that i know in person about my weight…eye candy and michelle are the only ones i feel strong enough to talk about it to.

i wish i felt secure enough to talk to hub about it. he is my #1 fan
but i feel he would be disappointed in me and i am not strong enough to handle that

i will let you know if, when i make the appt.
i will have to do it….and see what is the issue.

work and stress

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work is taking a toll on me this week…and it is only wednesday
how do you handle stress at work?

i try not to think about it
i try to stay in my lane
i try to remember what chel says, not my monkeys/not my circus

i am not sure i can take much more
but i like what i do..

difference between management over site and micro manage